Change

When the year started I told myself I was not doing a new years resolution, I was going to be selfish and do one thing for myself every month. Its May now and I only did this 2 times. Lately I feel like I've done the opposite. I feel so overwhelmingly busy that I feel like I have no time for myself not even for my own personal grooming and I'm tired of it. I have been thinking of how tired I am and wondering how did things get to this point? I came to a realization. I got so caught up with working hard and staying busy to distract myself of the loss of my dad that I lost myself.  I sort of gave up on myself. I guess I felt this at the end of the year and that's why I felt like I had to at least do one thing for myself but still haven't mastered this plan of mine.  

The loss of my grandma helped me realize this. When she died, once again I felt like I had missed out a lot. I stopped frequent visits to avoid feeling sad and partially because I was really busy and didn't make time for her. I'm tired of it! I'm tired of working, I'm tired of being responsible for others, I'm tired of dealing with people, I'm tired of WORK!  I feel like I need change, I feel like I need a mental break. I want to wake up and exercise, go on a hike, eat a breakfast at my own pace and read  a newspaper. I want to take time to do my makeup. I want to learn how to sew. I want to spend an entire day with my mom. I want to do something fun with my sister. I want to go on a vacation with my husband. I want to do things that bring me joy. But how do I do it?