A Memory

It's funny how you can be minding your business living life and something small can trigger a memory. A memory that can bring joy yet sadness at the same time. It's not that you ever stop thinking of a loved one that is no longer here but you learn to live without them. You learn to cope and live life with a giant hole in your heart. So when something reminds you of the loved one and the loss you feel, its hard to hold it together. You slowly speak with a ball of emotions at your throat while holding back the tears. You learn to do this, but will it ever end? I doubt it. I mean, as long as you are walking around with a giant hole in your heart that will never be complete the memories will always be bitter sweet. 

My dad use to like orange marmalade. He would tell us that his grandmother would heat up a flour tortilla and add a thin layer of mayonnaise and orange marmalade. We would all say yuck, and he would say we had to try it. I never did. 

Change

When the year started I told myself I was not doing a new years resolution, I was going to be selfish and do one thing for myself every month. Its May now and I only did this 2 times. Lately I feel like I've done the opposite. I feel so overwhelmingly busy that I feel like I have no time for myself not even for my own personal grooming and I'm tired of it. I have been thinking of how tired I am and wondering how did things get to this point? I came to a realization. I got so caught up with working hard and staying busy to distract myself of the loss of my dad that I lost myself.  I sort of gave up on myself. I guess I felt this at the end of the year and that's why I felt like I had to at least do one thing for myself but still haven't mastered this plan of mine.  

The loss of my grandma helped me realize this. When she died, once again I felt like I had missed out a lot. I stopped frequent visits to avoid feeling sad and partially because I was really busy and didn't make time for her. I'm tired of it! I'm tired of working, I'm tired of being responsible for others, I'm tired of dealing with people, I'm tired of WORK!  I feel like I need change, I feel like I need a mental break. I want to wake up and exercise, go on a hike, eat a breakfast at my own pace and read  a newspaper. I want to take time to do my makeup. I want to learn how to sew. I want to spend an entire day with my mom. I want to do something fun with my sister. I want to go on a vacation with my husband. I want to do things that bring me joy. But how do I do it?

Another Loss

Can you believe May is here??? April was supposed to be a month of relief and relaxation but it was nothing but that.  Work was so busy and stressful, which lead to some extreme teeth grinding at night, which lead to a broken tooth! Wait it doesn't end there! Dealing with the major tooth ache I had to rush to the hospital for something unexpected. Something unexpected yet expected at the same time. My father's mother, my grandmother had suffered a massive stroke. This was not the first stroke she had suffered but there was no coming back from this one. 

My grandmother was a single mother of eight. She loved all her children and always made family unity a her main goal.  My father was very close to his mother and when my dad was alive they would talk on the phone every single day,  multiple times a day! Because of their close relationship my grandmother was a big part of our lives. 

My grandmother was very funny and knew how to tell a great joke, something she shared with my dad. After my dad died she had a stroke and was not really herself anymore. Losing her first son made her fall into a depression and this did not help her recovery. When all this happened we really made an effort to visit her on a weekly basis but with time we slowly stopped. My visits stopped mainly because every visit made me feel very sad.  It was very selfish of me but I think during that first year I had to be a little selfish to make it through the days, weeks and months.  In retrospect, I regret it. 

I can't turn back the hands of time and all I can do is move forward. I live with so many regrets and I will probably never be able to let go of them. All the pretty memories I have with my loved ones help me get through the days, weeks, months and years. 

Single Boat at Sea

I have a husband, mother and sister, they are my immediate family. Prior to March I also had a father. My mother and father each have about 7-8 siblings, so you can imagine all the aunts, uncles, cousins and second cousins I have. However, after my father's passing there is a huge gap in our family and an extreme feeling of loneliness. I've never experienced the feeling of loneliness until now. I know I'm not alone and I have the love and support of my family and friends but the feeling of a single boat out at sea is very real sometimes. 

...boom my whole life came crashing down

One of the last post I made back in February I mentioned I was super busy and wasn't going to have much time for this blog for a while and I really was busy. My life was going 100 mph and then boom my whole life came crashing down... my dad died. It will be 3 months this June and I still cry for him and I don't know if that will ever stop. This has been the hardest, saddest and worse thing that has ever happened in my life. I'm still dealing with accepting that this is real life and that I will live the rest of my life without seeing him. I haven't felt like speaking since my dad passed but I thought I would provide an explanation of my absence. I want to continue with this site and use it as a distraction.

I feel like I'm in a storm and eventually the sun will come out,  so when I can I will share some snippets of  sunshine.